I've always had bad feelings towards money, because I've never really had any. But now it just makes me furious.
It's not fair that some people are able to pay for something like college, and not even think about it, and others have to wonder of they're ever coming back.
I hate that I get so attached to people. It just hurts me more when they leave.
I want to be selfish. I want to stop it. I want to write to a bunch of different people who would send money to keep her here. I don't want her to leave.
She just got here. It's not fair that I get an amazing friend, someone I look up to and love, and then have her torn away from me. I don't want to let that happen.
I don't want to be giving, I don't wan to share, or be sweet or anything. it's not fair.
She's here for a reason. God cant have a different plan for her. She's worked too hard to leave now. This is where she has to learn.
Who do I write to? Who will help?
I don't care that life isn't fair. It has to be, just this once.I wont let her go.
Who else will I say "I hate you" too when I force myself to exercise?
Who else will I go to when I hurt myself, even though she doesn't know what to do yet?
Who else will I give the 3cm salute to?
Who else will I talk to about what I want to do with my life?
Who else will give me insight, and propose new ideas for what I can do in my life?
Who else will I be single with?
Who else will I threaten to throw into the street?
Who else will give me a bit of Oregon to carry around with me?
Who else will willingly leave this place because she feels like she's being selfish?
I'm the selfish one.
And I'm fine with it. I'm gunna be selfish. She's my friend.
What if she does leave after this semester? Will they give Jojo a new roommate? Will she leave? Who's room will I go in when I want a quiet place to study in? Who else will put up with a rave in their room? She's one of a kind.
I'm afraid that she's going to leave, and we'll grow apart. I've only known her for a little over a month, but I want to know her the rest of my life. Like everyone here. I promised her she could go to my wedding. I know we'd grow apart. And it sucks.
I dont want to trust God, I'm afraid to, because what if His plan is for her to leave? I wish I was rich, I would pay for it myself. How are we going to pay for our trip to Ireland, if we cant even afford college? And how are we going to pay for college, if we dont go to Ireland and marry hot rich Irish (Scottish for me) guys?
I'll keep looking. I wont give up. I have to do something.
I hate that you can't be alone here. And yet, I hate that I am alone.
IT SUCKS
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Knots
My back hurts =[
I have at least two terrible knots in my back.... well, one's on my shoulder.
Kendall helped a lot though, but my lower back is always hurting from sitting over art, and computers, and books.
Another thing that hurts as much as the knots is my heart. I have met so many wonderful people at school. And I've become fast friends with several of them.
It hurts me when things happen to people I love, and I don't know what to say. I can't help them. The only thing I know how to do is be there with them. I just wish I could provide them with some kind of wisdom or solution.
But I've been confronted with situations that I'm not familiar with. I can't empathize. I want to be able to tell them that everything will be okay, but I don't know if it will be.
We are guaranteed hard times in our life.
Some times it's even hard to sympathize.
I've learned several things:
- I'm a pushover.
I hate it when I see my friends hurt, so I never want to be involved with creating a situation where that might happen. I need to learn to put limits on what I'm willing to do.
- I cry at odd things
I already knew a bit about this one. I dont cry at real life big things, like deaths. I just don't. But I cry during television shows, movies, and books. I also cry when I feel hurting. Tonight I felt like I was absorbing some of it, and in my crazy mind, I was hoping I was. I wish I could take some of the pain, so my friends didn't have to suffer. I have my problems, but things like my family life are great. So when I see people hurting over something I have never had to deal with, it breaks my heart. Some people have to go through things multiple times, and it's not fair. I wish I could save them from it.
- I'm compassionate
I just realized that. Is that jumping to a conclusion? I would hate to toot my own horn for fear of sounding prideful. But I've always felt deeply for my friends. I'm quick to love, too. The 5+ of us that hang out regularly have only been close for about 2 weeks. Yet four of them I feel like I've known them always. They're already my sisters.
It makes sense. I'm a very touchy-feely person. I scare some people sometimes because I hug them. And I love to hug. I love leaning on people or holding hands. It's all friendly! I just love feeling the sense of connection with people. I always worry it makes others feel uncomfortable. But these girls.are.the.best. It might be because we live together. Just a wall apart with half of them (I can even hear them right now).
I hope God uses me someday with my love. Sometimes it's so hard for me to love, and sometimes it's extremely easy. I know God will. Maybe He already has, but I wouldn't be gifted this way for nothing. I cant wait now to see what's coming up for me. I have so much love to give still.
But those things are not good when mixed together.
Easily taken advantage of and easily handing out love?
yikes. I need to keep a lookout.
It hurts to think that someone would do something harmful to someone who just wants to be a comforter, friend, sister, confidante, and lover.
hmmmm.... well, I should be off to bed.... it's quite early in the morning and I need to get up in a couple of hours for a chat. I pray I find the patience and love for this one (odd how someone who so easily loves, finds themselves unable to in some situations)
goodnight!
I love you!
=]
I have at least two terrible knots in my back.... well, one's on my shoulder.
Kendall helped a lot though, but my lower back is always hurting from sitting over art, and computers, and books.
Another thing that hurts as much as the knots is my heart. I have met so many wonderful people at school. And I've become fast friends with several of them.
It hurts me when things happen to people I love, and I don't know what to say. I can't help them. The only thing I know how to do is be there with them. I just wish I could provide them with some kind of wisdom or solution.
But I've been confronted with situations that I'm not familiar with. I can't empathize. I want to be able to tell them that everything will be okay, but I don't know if it will be.
We are guaranteed hard times in our life.
Some times it's even hard to sympathize.
I've learned several things:
- I'm a pushover.
I hate it when I see my friends hurt, so I never want to be involved with creating a situation where that might happen. I need to learn to put limits on what I'm willing to do.
- I cry at odd things
I already knew a bit about this one. I dont cry at real life big things, like deaths. I just don't. But I cry during television shows, movies, and books. I also cry when I feel hurting. Tonight I felt like I was absorbing some of it, and in my crazy mind, I was hoping I was. I wish I could take some of the pain, so my friends didn't have to suffer. I have my problems, but things like my family life are great. So when I see people hurting over something I have never had to deal with, it breaks my heart. Some people have to go through things multiple times, and it's not fair. I wish I could save them from it.
- I'm compassionate
I just realized that. Is that jumping to a conclusion? I would hate to toot my own horn for fear of sounding prideful. But I've always felt deeply for my friends. I'm quick to love, too. The 5+ of us that hang out regularly have only been close for about 2 weeks. Yet four of them I feel like I've known them always. They're already my sisters.
It makes sense. I'm a very touchy-feely person. I scare some people sometimes because I hug them. And I love to hug. I love leaning on people or holding hands. It's all friendly! I just love feeling the sense of connection with people. I always worry it makes others feel uncomfortable. But these girls.are.the.best. It might be because we live together. Just a wall apart with half of them (I can even hear them right now).
I hope God uses me someday with my love. Sometimes it's so hard for me to love, and sometimes it's extremely easy. I know God will. Maybe He already has, but I wouldn't be gifted this way for nothing. I cant wait now to see what's coming up for me. I have so much love to give still.
But those things are not good when mixed together.
Easily taken advantage of and easily handing out love?
yikes. I need to keep a lookout.
It hurts to think that someone would do something harmful to someone who just wants to be a comforter, friend, sister, confidante, and lover.
hmmmm.... well, I should be off to bed.... it's quite early in the morning and I need to get up in a couple of hours for a chat. I pray I find the patience and love for this one (odd how someone who so easily loves, finds themselves unable to in some situations)
goodnight!
I love you!
=]
Friday, September 5, 2008
NEVERMIND!!!!!!!
hahaha. I guess that the reality show we deserve is going to be a differetn blog, because I like having my own to write in...
But I'll probably be in that on a lot. So all y'all who wanna know what I'm up to....
http://www.firsteast.blogspot.com/
I'll still come by and chat in here though! =D
So.... I'm going to copy and paste that last post, do some editing, and post it over in the other blog...... later guys!
But I'll probably be in that on a lot. So all y'all who wanna know what I'm up to....
http://www.firsteast.blogspot.com/
I'll still come by and chat in here though! =D
So.... I'm going to copy and paste that last post, do some editing, and post it over in the other blog...... later guys!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
CHANGE
So, I read the last Twilight book.
=]
It was good, it made me put the whole series into perspective. And it's not that great.
I mean, it's an awesome book series, and I still love it.... I guess it's not such a huge deal to me anymore.
So my blog is going to change a bit. It will just be me and my crazy life.
College life!!
I've been talking with my college buddies, and we need a reality TV show. Because what place is more interesting than the bottom floor of an all girls dorm. AT a christian college =D
SEE? it's better than Laguna Beach. You know it is.
picture this: Three girls in a room. One reading in a bunk bed, one in a chair on the computer, and one reading on the floor (me). The door is halfway open. It's all quiet, the girls are studying and all the sudden, you see about four more girls quietly lunge past the open door. Like, the exercise, lunge.
It's been a little over a week, and we already have a "gansta" hand motion known as the "Three Centimeter Salute". My neighbor is a nursing major, who has friends in the labor and delivery department. =D
in fact, at this moment she's up in her bed, studying flash cards.....
Photobucket" border="0">
That's Elisabeth ( Nunu) Studying away.... doing the 3cm salute =D
Her roommie is Kelsey ( Jojo). I'm at her desk right now, since she's out and my roommie is asleep. Nunu and Jojo's room has become the study room. Since my roommate, Bethany, likes to listen to music as she studies, I found this a very nice place to be when I need to concentrate.
Kendall ( from down the hall) has been known to come here as well, when her room gets too hectic ( 3 in one room! yikes) or lonely.
What else.......... I don't know...
Nunu? any ideas??
-"our brownies"
Oh yes! we made brownies. Of course we had to go to the store to get the brownie mix, eggs, and oil. And we had adventure #4 when we went in search of an Indian market that no longer exists where google maps said it was. BUT! there is good news. We got BOBA!!!! Kendall and I LOVE boba! and we got Nunu, Bethany, and our friend Mary to try it. Strawberry Slush with boba..... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!
Brownies! yes.. we got the mix and fixins' AND we got milk chocolate Symphony bars ( a trick I learned from my lovely friend Samantha Michelle, who is at college in Arizona). We put half the batter in the pan.... chocolate bars layed down, then the other half on top. Bake.
Believe me, it sounds amazing, but I honestly only had one small bite, after that you just feel sick. Hahaha. I'll post the pics later of Nunu's amazing Brownie Flipping skills.... when we tried to get them out of the pan.... they weren't really brownies anymore...........
After getting ourselves sick off brownies.... oh! and Oreos dipped in natural peanut butter... it's like heaven in your mouth!!!!!!!! and a few games of Kings in a corner in the hall... we watched " A Little Princess." Because we're girls. And we can. =]
Adventure #5...... girls out to Brea Mall, here by Fullerton. We tried on dresses in this one store..
Photobucket" border="0">
Apparently you cant take pictures in there though.. oops...
If you're all wondering what adventures took place before #s 4 and 5.... Kendall and I bonded over our love of Halloween superstores. And we're soo close to soo many! So yeah.... Friday trips to Burbank and back =D Harry potter glasses.... and liquid latex
We also bonded over boba and our new obsession with henna. We went halvsies on a kit we found at the Art Supply Warehouse ( where I spent about $170 on art supplies for my classes.. eek!). And did some henna on ourselves.... and everyone else around us.... it looked like a little, but it was a lot!
The design on my hand........
Photobucket" border="0">
And my favorite!!! It's actually high up there on my list for if I ever get an actual tattoo....
Photobucket" border="0">
just the apple though, not the swirlies. =D
We're going to go to a taping of AFV ( Americas Funniest Home Videos) on Saturday!!
That should be awesome.
I love living up here, where we're so close to everything. There's a lot to do up in LA or down in the OC. hmmmm... " Jojo? what else should I write about?????"
- * brushing teeth* "Beau"
me- "ohhhhhhhh!!!!............no."
Jojo- *kicks slipper at me*
Discussion on peeing for long periods of time...yup, that just happened while sitting in the hallway- Jojo.
Okay.... Jojo is going to tell you all a story now..... about the reason why she kicked her slipper at me =]
Jojo------
"NO, Jojo is going to bed like a smart little duck, leaving all this late-night blogging for the crazy hooligans who think they are characters from books. Goodnight Brenna."
---- I know perfectly well that I am not a character from a book, we're just alike in many ways....... At least take a picture with me =D
"Looking like I just crawled out from under a rock? Hardly."-Jojo
" i do too!!! PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"* adorable face*
*laughing* "You call that adorable?!?"-Jojo "I'm going to bed...if you want a picture with me you'll have to pick the lock."
=[ she ran away................. poo.
well.... i should go to bed as well... I need to brush my teeth and all that jazz....
So, goodnight to all.. or should I say good morning? it is, after all, 12:08 in the morning.....
I have intro to psych tomorrow at 1:30.....
Goodnight!!!!!
P.S.- sorry for the weird photobucket thingies.. i dunno how to fix them =D
=]
It was good, it made me put the whole series into perspective. And it's not that great.
I mean, it's an awesome book series, and I still love it.... I guess it's not such a huge deal to me anymore.
So my blog is going to change a bit. It will just be me and my crazy life.
College life!!
I've been talking with my college buddies, and we need a reality TV show. Because what place is more interesting than the bottom floor of an all girls dorm. AT a christian college =D
SEE? it's better than Laguna Beach. You know it is.
picture this: Three girls in a room. One reading in a bunk bed, one in a chair on the computer, and one reading on the floor (me). The door is halfway open. It's all quiet, the girls are studying and all the sudden, you see about four more girls quietly lunge past the open door. Like, the exercise, lunge.
It's been a little over a week, and we already have a "gansta" hand motion known as the "Three Centimeter Salute". My neighbor is a nursing major, who has friends in the labor and delivery department. =D
in fact, at this moment she's up in her bed, studying flash cards.....
Photobucket" border="0">
That's Elisabeth ( Nunu) Studying away.... doing the 3cm salute =D
Her roommie is Kelsey ( Jojo). I'm at her desk right now, since she's out and my roommie is asleep. Nunu and Jojo's room has become the study room. Since my roommate, Bethany, likes to listen to music as she studies, I found this a very nice place to be when I need to concentrate.
Kendall ( from down the hall) has been known to come here as well, when her room gets too hectic ( 3 in one room! yikes) or lonely.
What else.......... I don't know...
Nunu? any ideas??
-"our brownies"
Oh yes! we made brownies. Of course we had to go to the store to get the brownie mix, eggs, and oil. And we had adventure #4 when we went in search of an Indian market that no longer exists where google maps said it was. BUT! there is good news. We got BOBA!!!! Kendall and I LOVE boba! and we got Nunu, Bethany, and our friend Mary to try it. Strawberry Slush with boba..... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!
Brownies! yes.. we got the mix and fixins' AND we got milk chocolate Symphony bars ( a trick I learned from my lovely friend Samantha Michelle, who is at college in Arizona). We put half the batter in the pan.... chocolate bars layed down, then the other half on top. Bake.
Believe me, it sounds amazing, but I honestly only had one small bite, after that you just feel sick. Hahaha. I'll post the pics later of Nunu's amazing Brownie Flipping skills.... when we tried to get them out of the pan.... they weren't really brownies anymore...........
After getting ourselves sick off brownies.... oh! and Oreos dipped in natural peanut butter... it's like heaven in your mouth!!!!!!!! and a few games of Kings in a corner in the hall... we watched " A Little Princess." Because we're girls. And we can. =]
Adventure #5...... girls out to Brea Mall, here by Fullerton. We tried on dresses in this one store..
Photobucket" border="0">
Apparently you cant take pictures in there though.. oops...
If you're all wondering what adventures took place before #s 4 and 5.... Kendall and I bonded over our love of Halloween superstores. And we're soo close to soo many! So yeah.... Friday trips to Burbank and back =D Harry potter glasses.... and liquid latex
We also bonded over boba and our new obsession with henna. We went halvsies on a kit we found at the Art Supply Warehouse ( where I spent about $170 on art supplies for my classes.. eek!). And did some henna on ourselves.... and everyone else around us.... it looked like a little, but it was a lot!
The design on my hand........
Photobucket" border="0">
And my favorite!!! It's actually high up there on my list for if I ever get an actual tattoo....
Photobucket" border="0">
just the apple though, not the swirlies. =D
We're going to go to a taping of AFV ( Americas Funniest Home Videos) on Saturday!!
That should be awesome.
I love living up here, where we're so close to everything. There's a lot to do up in LA or down in the OC. hmmmm... " Jojo? what else should I write about?????"
- * brushing teeth* "Beau"
me- "ohhhhhhhh!!!!............no."
Jojo- *kicks slipper at me*
Discussion on peeing for long periods of time...yup, that just happened while sitting in the hallway- Jojo.
Okay.... Jojo is going to tell you all a story now..... about the reason why she kicked her slipper at me =]
Jojo------
"NO, Jojo is going to bed like a smart little duck, leaving all this late-night blogging for the crazy hooligans who think they are characters from books. Goodnight Brenna."
---- I know perfectly well that I am not a character from a book, we're just alike in many ways....... At least take a picture with me =D
"Looking like I just crawled out from under a rock? Hardly."-Jojo
" i do too!!! PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!"* adorable face*
*laughing* "You call that adorable?!?"-Jojo "I'm going to bed...if you want a picture with me you'll have to pick the lock."
=[ she ran away................. poo.
well.... i should go to bed as well... I need to brush my teeth and all that jazz....
So, goodnight to all.. or should I say good morning? it is, after all, 12:08 in the morning.....
I have intro to psych tomorrow at 1:30.....
Goodnight!!!!!
P.S.- sorry for the weird photobucket thingies.. i dunno how to fix them =D
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