Are you who you want to be?

I was on my way to work today, carpooling with the other ASM, and in the car the song "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot came on. As I was listening I really focused on the chorus:

"This is your life, are you who you want to be.
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed
that it would be"

And as I started to answer the question in my head, I was stopped because I realized that I don't know who I want to be.
I get questioned all the time about what I want to do with my art degree, and I give them the answer that I really don't know, that it would be cool to work for Disney, or do pop-up books. But, even though all that is true, I feel like it's the default answer I've made up for myself.
So I've been trying to figure out who it is I want to be. I started by making a life list. One list that is filled with things I absolutely have to do before my life ends. fist off was 'get married and have a family' then was 'visit Scotland' then after much though came 'own a kitty'
And that's all I came up with. The absolute goals for my life, three little things. I ended up having to make a second list titled " 'Like to' life list" it's the thing that I would like to do, but that aren't things I HAVE to do. And even then I only came up with about 4 or 5 things.
I remember I have done this list before, and I came up with close to one hundred things I had to do. I don't know where that list went, but remembering that made me realize how much I've changed.
I've become rational.
The girl who considers herself a hopeless romantic, a child at heart forever, who still looks out of car windows at night peering into the wilderness to try to catch a glimpse of some magical creature known to all to not exist.
That girl is rational.
I totally get Peter Pan now. If I had the choice, I too would chuck a handful of pixie dust at myself, think a happy thought, and follow the second star to the right straight to a magical place where I can never grow up. Because who wants to grow up if you lose all the wonder in your life?
I worry about things like money, classes, and a job.
I hate it.
So I guess I need to think about that. Obviously I can't avoid my life and run away to Neverland (I can't even find a proper pixie to help me get there). But I don't want to become a boring, rationalizing adult either.

"This is your life, is it everything you dreamed
that it would be"

I don't even know what to dream. My dreams are of other worlds. Filled with proper manners and speech I soak up from Jane Austen. Adventures and magic from Harry Potter. Talking animals, Lamp Posts, and wardrobes from Lewis. Regal elves and quirky Hobbits from Tolkien. And so many others. Dracula, Frankenstein, Jane Eyre, they all make up my dreams. But if I dream the impossible then my life will never be anything I dream.
I do wish things for my life.
I'm afraid my situation in life, mainly having to do with money or lack there-of, is the culprit for my now rational thinking. I can't set goals or dream as I used to, because I know that those may never be possible.
But I wish so much. I wish to be care free in life. To be the person who people are drawn to because my disposition makes it seem like even the air around me is fresh and pure. I wish to be the person that has warmth and a glow (no cracks at my being so pale, I already know that I literally glow because of that). I wish to be though of as beautiful, and not just pretty, or cute, or (the worst and sadly the one I get the most) adorable.
It's funny that as I feel myself aging inside of me, that my exterior seems to get younger with each passing day. I'm viewed as a young girl, not as a woman. I get mistaken as a 16 year old far too many times for someone who will be turning 20 in a few months.
I guess it's part of my wishes coming true. People see me as carefree enough to be a young teen. But I want more.
Ironic that this is coming from me at a time when I'm working on 'The Fantasticks'. the lead girl is a 16 year old who is perfectly in love and described as "incurably insane". she sings a song titled "Much More" where she pretty much talks about just that, wanting more with her life.

"Just once before I'm old... To be the kind
of girl designed to be kissed upon the eyes."

I would suggest having who ever is reading this to youtube it, but all the performances I've seen on there are awful. I like our jazzed up version much more. (hehe... get it? 'much more'?)
Anyways. I guess I've got some more thinking to do. And learning. And studying. And working. My goodness! It sure takes a lot to be care free.
ughh.... it's late. I sat up in bed and grabbed my computer hoping this would help me think, but now I'm just going to be dead tired tomorrow, and I still haven't really solved anything. At least I've gotten my mind in order a bit. oh well.
goodnight!
-Brenna

Update #2

I write to you from the Green Room of the Theatre!
My job is insane indeed!
And I'm always hungry.... that may be because I'm running allover the place non-stop. But it's fun. I'm getting things done. I re-wrote the prop list so it's not just a page filled with my scribbles and quick sketches.
It's cool..... the green room couches are super comfy. the actors are awesome and sweet. My list of places to go keeps growing, and then shrinks when they discover that I can't be in two places a once.
Before the run-through I'm just here for whatever they need me to do. Tomorrow is the last day for this kind of thing. After that I'll be here and getting ready for the show right away. Tonight is the final dress rehearsal and tomorrow is the first audience! We start previews, and then next Friday is opening night!!!

Other than the show I haven't done much. I go to sleep around 2 am. and then wake up around 12... then I get ready for when I get picked up around 2:45 and then come here until around 11:30 or 12. Next week we'll have later call times, so I'll have more time in the day to do things. I haven't really hung out with anyone yet. Samantha Michelle came over today and we went to get some Carne Asada Fries from Lolo's. Delic!

I'm still working on ukulele. I'm practicing the Umbrella song. fun times.

Well, I should get going. I'm not sure if they need me or not, but I'll be on hand anyways!
toodles!
-Brenna

Summer Update-1

I wrote this a while ago, obviously before the second update, I just realized I never actually published it, so here you go!

Remember the lace parasol I talked about not that long ago? And how I said I would go to Modcloth just to stare at it?

It seems to be a problem of mine. Most of the websites I visit regularly are various blogs. Either for fashion or home. On my bookmarks bar on firefox I have: facebook, yahoo, blogspot, dailybooth, my college's site, youtube, hulu, mugglenet, wookieepedia, Dvice, Apartment Therapy, Unplugged, Design*Sponge, Designboom, swissmiss, etsy, modcloth, and fail blog.

Most of those are sites that find new or cool things and tell them to the public. I go on esty and just browse the items for sale. I look for inspiration, but also I just look. I don't know why. It's like home decor magazines, I've always loved looking at the perfect rooms. I imagine what kind of life I wold lead if I lived in a place like that. Because my life would be completely different from what it is now. I always decorate because I feel like it reflects who we are, and I want to live in my own place that reflects me. If I lived in one of those houses in the magazines, I wouldn't be me as I am now. I'd be me with more money, or me if I took up gardening, or me if I wanted to live by the beach. I love imagining who I would be. But I also love just me as I am now.

I also think about the architecture of the home. Sometimes I imagine my own things there. Have you ever thought about your future home? And what it will be like based on the things you own now?
My house will be very odd. I have over 30 garden gnomes, and a plethora of Disney's Snow White collectibles (old illustrated story books, never-opened dolls, a framed copy of the poster from the ride at Disneyland, and a 2 ft. figure of the lady herself). I have vintage hats, old suitcases, and a spooky black candelabra. A huge wardrobe, an adjustable dress form named Molly, and a fake raven named Edgar. How all that will fit into a home, only God knows. And whatever he knows, I hope it's lovely. Poor man who ends up marrying into all that.

To the update part..... Work is splendid. It's a lot to do. There's a lot I'm in charge of like props and opening trap doors and things that if gone wrong can ruin a performance. But so far I'm doing well (besides the stress related breakouts that have graced my visage). Since I've grown up around it, the theater is like a second home to me, and the people are just extended family. I very much enjoy the behind the scenes part of it all. I get such a rush of excitement running from the grid above the audience down the the pit below the stage to set the trapdoor in place. The actors do their thing, but it wouldn't be the same without everyone in the shadows helping them along. How I love being in the shadows.
It's probably also the mother in me. I always find myself taking care of my friends in a very motherly fashion. I make sure they're alright when sick, that if it's cold they'll be warm. I even have the urge to sing a lullaby every so often.
So I guess it makes sense. I make sure there's coffee made, the green room is clean, they have their props. And the show hasn't even started yet. We're only beginning dress rehearsals!

That's been my life so far. It will be most of it I reckon. In the day I sleep. and practice the Ukulele. I've gotten pretty good. I know "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. I'm getting the strumming pattern down for "New Soul" by Yael Naim. And today I learned a wonderful version of the Rihanna song, "Umbrella."

Kenny found curtains for our dorm in August! And I found a coffee maker that looks good... I'm going to keep looking. It's going to be real though! the amazingness of picked roommates and a decorated room!! And I've already told you the importance of a decorated room to me. I can't wait.

work at 3 tomorrow!!! I finally get to sleep in! my plans were ruined today by a dentist appt at 8:30am. :[ I had to get a filling.... that was caused by my braces!
oh well.... I have perdy teeth now, I guess it's worth it.

The random voices and noises outside my window are kinda' creepy...
until next time!
-Brenna Kathleen