Are you who you want to be?

I was on my way to work today, carpooling with the other ASM, and in the car the song "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot came on. As I was listening I really focused on the chorus:

"This is your life, are you who you want to be.
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed
that it would be"

And as I started to answer the question in my head, I was stopped because I realized that I don't know who I want to be.
I get questioned all the time about what I want to do with my art degree, and I give them the answer that I really don't know, that it would be cool to work for Disney, or do pop-up books. But, even though all that is true, I feel like it's the default answer I've made up for myself.
So I've been trying to figure out who it is I want to be. I started by making a life list. One list that is filled with things I absolutely have to do before my life ends. fist off was 'get married and have a family' then was 'visit Scotland' then after much though came 'own a kitty'
And that's all I came up with. The absolute goals for my life, three little things. I ended up having to make a second list titled " 'Like to' life list" it's the thing that I would like to do, but that aren't things I HAVE to do. And even then I only came up with about 4 or 5 things.
I remember I have done this list before, and I came up with close to one hundred things I had to do. I don't know where that list went, but remembering that made me realize how much I've changed.
I've become rational.
The girl who considers herself a hopeless romantic, a child at heart forever, who still looks out of car windows at night peering into the wilderness to try to catch a glimpse of some magical creature known to all to not exist.
That girl is rational.
I totally get Peter Pan now. If I had the choice, I too would chuck a handful of pixie dust at myself, think a happy thought, and follow the second star to the right straight to a magical place where I can never grow up. Because who wants to grow up if you lose all the wonder in your life?
I worry about things like money, classes, and a job.
I hate it.
So I guess I need to think about that. Obviously I can't avoid my life and run away to Neverland (I can't even find a proper pixie to help me get there). But I don't want to become a boring, rationalizing adult either.

"This is your life, is it everything you dreamed
that it would be"

I don't even know what to dream. My dreams are of other worlds. Filled with proper manners and speech I soak up from Jane Austen. Adventures and magic from Harry Potter. Talking animals, Lamp Posts, and wardrobes from Lewis. Regal elves and quirky Hobbits from Tolkien. And so many others. Dracula, Frankenstein, Jane Eyre, they all make up my dreams. But if I dream the impossible then my life will never be anything I dream.
I do wish things for my life.
I'm afraid my situation in life, mainly having to do with money or lack there-of, is the culprit for my now rational thinking. I can't set goals or dream as I used to, because I know that those may never be possible.
But I wish so much. I wish to be care free in life. To be the person who people are drawn to because my disposition makes it seem like even the air around me is fresh and pure. I wish to be the person that has warmth and a glow (no cracks at my being so pale, I already know that I literally glow because of that). I wish to be though of as beautiful, and not just pretty, or cute, or (the worst and sadly the one I get the most) adorable.
It's funny that as I feel myself aging inside of me, that my exterior seems to get younger with each passing day. I'm viewed as a young girl, not as a woman. I get mistaken as a 16 year old far too many times for someone who will be turning 20 in a few months.
I guess it's part of my wishes coming true. People see me as carefree enough to be a young teen. But I want more.
Ironic that this is coming from me at a time when I'm working on 'The Fantasticks'. the lead girl is a 16 year old who is perfectly in love and described as "incurably insane". she sings a song titled "Much More" where she pretty much talks about just that, wanting more with her life.

"Just once before I'm old... To be the kind
of girl designed to be kissed upon the eyes."

I would suggest having who ever is reading this to youtube it, but all the performances I've seen on there are awful. I like our jazzed up version much more. (hehe... get it? 'much more'?)
Anyways. I guess I've got some more thinking to do. And learning. And studying. And working. My goodness! It sure takes a lot to be care free.
ughh.... it's late. I sat up in bed and grabbed my computer hoping this would help me think, but now I'm just going to be dead tired tomorrow, and I still haven't really solved anything. At least I've gotten my mind in order a bit. oh well.
goodnight!
-Brenna